Regrets

We are a group of people that knows we are going to lose our memories and I realized that I’m losing the most basic ones. It happened so slowly I didn’t realize it.

My son died of Covid and the Celebration of Life was last Sunday. I was trying to recall some of times together and it was very difficult for me to remember things about what we had done. It was so hard on me because I do remember how much I loved him. I have his pictures on the wall and a table in the house, but I wonder if I would remember him without those.

The stress of not remembering before the event was so great it made my symptoms much worse than they had ever been. Walking straight became impossible. Words weren’t coming easily. Forgetting what I meant to say in the middle of a sentence became normal and my family became afraid I was having a stroke. They had never seen me like that.

Finally, the Celebration of Life had come. My family had been with me the night before and it helped me get ready. Once I went in the door there were memories galore! Not only were there a bunch of picture memories, but many of his old friends were there. They had so many stories and experiences I was grateful for their presence and I remembered all of them. I remembered their stories too, so it was a tremendous celebration.

The moral of the story for me was that stress and anxiety made me so much worse. In all the education pieces I’ve read so that did not surprise me. The surprise is the depth of my memory loss and my levels of stress and anxiety.

Here I am having taken a week off from everything and life is getting back to normal, or as normal as it can get.

I am a helper by nature. I became a Christian Counselor later in life, but it helps me to help people. To try understanding, listening and sometimes simply being there for others helps me. Taking an interest and acting on it is a fine medicine for me at my stage of this crappy disease. I imagine the same is true for caretakers, but mostly if it’s a chance to get away from a situation will it help….a lot.

I will do this as long as I can. It would be nice to hear from my fellow Lewies and caretakers. I will be happy to try helping and if I can’t I have gathered enough resources to help. Please feel free to email me at lahering@gmail.com It could be good for both of us.